Nostalgia & The Future
This semester has taught me a lot about submission and trust, even (and especially) when I feel like everything is falling apart. I have never felt less in control of my life in all its aspects--academically, personally, socially, in regards to my future. And, while part of me feels a sense of panic because I can't foresee what is to come, a large part of me wonders if this is what truly laying down burdens feels like. This brings me to the next aspect of this blog post.
When I was in high school, my favorite verse was Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." However, in reflection, that is the last thing I strove to do. I think a lot of my high school experience was this constant battle between my heart and what was evidently the Lord's will. From August 2017 to July(ish?) of 2019 I was hung up on the same guy. It was a situation that clearly wasn't going to work out, but I could not surrender it to the Lord. I broke my heart over and over again, wrote a pile of unsent letters and songs, and shed more tears than I care to recount. Yet, through it all, my heart wasn't actually willing to surrender the whole matter to the Father. I was very bitter and felt incredibly dejected and like no guy would ever truly want me. I relived a lot of those emotions tonight while looking through my old journals and song notebooks. And going through everything and re-reading my own words was cathartic in a way because I can look at where I am today and the ways healing and growth has stemmed from the hurt that, at the time, seemed inescapable.
All this to say, it's a slightly surreal feeling to go and relive the emotions that rocked your world in high school. Just as I am sure it will be surreal for me to go back and reflect on my sophomore year of college a few years down the road from now. What choices am I going to make today that 25-year-old Grace will shake her head and roll her eyes at? What patterns and mistakes will I fall back into, if any? (I am sure there will be some; life is very cyclical that way.) And, most exciting, what people and events will this new decade of life bring?
Being 20 is exciting. It feels like a sort of fresh start. Like I can become an entirely new person. Over the past three semesters of college, I have watched myself start changing and growing. It feels like I am finally becoming the person I was supposed to be all along if that makes sense. To use a scientific analogy, college is like an enzyme that rapidly accelerates the process of self-growth and discovery. It's like a rollercoaster that I was strapped into and I have no idea which way it will turn next, but I know it'll be unstoppable and all I can do is cling onto the Lord's hand and trust He's directing the ride. And I know a part of this newfound rapid growth is due to the fact that my relationship with the Lord is so much more precious to me now than it ever has been. He has begun to work through me in ways that I never expected. And when I inevitably fail, He has revealed His grace to me in ways that are so tender and pure.
This season of life feels like a huge gift. Obviously, every season is a gift--life, in general, is a gift from the Perfect Giver! But 20 feels exciting and full of promise. The 20s are when people's lives begin to solidify. They get married (these past few months I have watched numerous couples get engaged, and I am attending two weddings in the upcoming weeks), they have families, they begin laying the foundation for their careers, and they start taking on more responsibility and life experience. The 20s are when I will graduate college, likely move out of my parents' house, and start living life on my own. But all these aspirations are fuzzy outlines of possibilities and events to come. And the only way to prepare my heart for these things is to dive wholeheartedly into the Word and strive to live for His glory each and every day by imitating His example and loving and serving His people.
Through Christ's example, I know what I want out of life, out of my future relationship(s), out of the road ahead. Through books like Hosea, I have better shaped my outlook on love and longsuffering love and pursuit. Through Habakkuk, I have been reminded of the blessing it is to rejoice in the Lord solely because He is the God of my salvation and my strength, regardless of circumstance. Through Paul's letters, I have been challenged to prepare myself fully and garner each aspect of my life to better honor Him. Through 1 John, I have been able to reflect on love and brotherly affection for those both in and out of the Body. Through the friendships He has so generously given me, I have learned about the many different ways Christ's love can be reflected in human form. And through the trials and uncertainties and anxieties and jealousies and hurts, I have learned to surrender fully and honestly, allowing myself to be fully vulnerable before the One who sees and knows me deepest.
The older I get, the more I understand how Thomas Chisholm could so resoundingly write the words, "Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!" No matter how many ways I am challenged and stretched, He is provident. When I have felt utterly alone or misunderstood, He stayed by my side as a confidant and a Father. When I struggle to love and forgive and be gentle, He shatters my bitterness with His tender and quiet mercies. When I am faithless, He remains faithful. (2 Timothy 2:13) The longer I live, the more I get the honor of being a witness of His hand at work and (by His grace) a vessel of His Spirit. And every time I am blown away.
There is so much I am still unsure about and so much I still struggle with. Each day is a fight to put to death my old self, and quite often I slip up. There are days when I am so bitter I practically spit venom, and nights when I am so lonely and aching it feels like my heart is being crushed. But, through each and every moment, He has proven Himself sovereign and in control. And because the outcome of my very small, very insignificant life is already in His hands, I know where I can cast my burdens. I encourage you, fellow brothers and sisters, to strive for excellence in all things by being image-bearers and imitators of Jesus. I exhort you to reflect on past challenges, heartbreak, and joys and see if you cannot trace each and every blessing back to His generous hands. The Lord is Lord over your past, your present, and your future. And the future holds so much promise and opportunity. Not to say it will be strictly beautiful and easy and smooth--we are not promised a life free from hardship and suffering. But it is so full of promise because your future is so full of the Father's intentional plans for your life, and that alone is reason for an abundance of joy. :)
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