Psalm 18 - A Letter on Depression
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| "In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears." [Psalm 18:6] |
Recently, I have been wrestling a lot with depression. And I think wrestling is a loose term because it has felt a lot more like just allowing myself to be dragged passively along by it. Feelings of hopelessness are not unfamiliar to me--I think it has a lot to do with my personality and the way I think. In some ways, sadness feels like an old acquaintance whose company I tolerate (perhaps even settle into at times) because the other option, hope, seems much more terrifying. Unhappiness is familiar but true and lasting joy (in my current worldly mindset) feels foreign and untrustworthy.
The reason for my depression is unimportant because I think the same principles and thought processes still apply, no matter the factors behind it. At its root, I know it is not necessarily based on any specific circumstance, but more from a deep-seated belief of several lies. I want to break that down in the paragraphs that follow...
1. I struggle to believe that the LORD cares for and empathizes with my pain. Jesus has felt much less like a constant and loving Friend and much more like a distant Being who sees me as another item on a long to-do list. This of course is against Scripture and is therefore biblically untrue--but if that is what my deceitful and desperately sick heart (Jeremiah 17:9!) is choosing to grasp onto, then naturally I feel unwilling to fully trust Christ with my heart.
And there is the sick cycle that the Enemy wholly delights in. I believe in lies instead of Scripture. I see Christ as distant and uncaring, driving me further from Him. The further I run, the deeper into lies I am wading. The deeper I find myself in lies, the deeper I find myself in depression.
It is here that I want to turn to Scripture--which is what I should have been fighting to do all along. Though I have fallen short in numerous ways and am completely unworthy and consistently wayward, God's grace is more sufficient and His forgiveness and kindness are unending to me.
Psalm 18 was written by David and celebrates God's demonstrated love for His people as a whole while also acting as a personal reflection on the LORD's salvation and kindness to David in saving him from all his enemies.
"I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death encompassed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears." [Psalm 18:1-6]
I think there are a few things worth noting in these verses. Firstly, when David was surrounded by enemies and felt encompassed by the cords of death, he didn't give up hope. Neither did he angrily lash out at God, or pity himself. The words from his mouth were not "How could you let this happen to me?" or "I have been completely abandoned by God because my situation feels hopeless!"--David's first response was to cry out to the LORD. This is an area I need to grow in greatly. It is too easy to look at my circumstances and have the head knowledge that the LORD is still sovereign and at work, but not truly feel or believe it in my heart because I feel hopeless. But look where God is when David cries out to Him--in His temple, on the throne, where He has been all along. Though my faith may waver and my trust falls short, it is never a reflection of God's power and sovereignty. If I doubt the LORD's ability it is the fault of my own small heart and not an indication of reality.
The psalm goes on to describe, in GREAT detail, how the LORD moves swiftly and with a wave of righteous anger for David.
"Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations also of the mountains trembled and quaked, because he was angry...The LORD also thundered in the heavens, and the Most High uttered his voice, hailstones and coals of fire. And he sent out his arrows and scattered them; he flashed forth lightnings and routed them. Then the channels of the sea were seen, and the foundations of the world were laid bare at your rebuke, O LORD, at the blast of breath of your nostrils. He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He brought me into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." [Psalm 18: 7, 13-19]
Did you catch the last verse? The LORD rescues us because He delights in us. I don't know about you, but I am fully aware of how unworthy I am. Especially in moments like this when I feel completely exposed, vulnerable, and weak. While reading God's Word and comparing myself to the Personhood of Christ, I know I fall short. I will fall short every time. And yet, He does not view me in that way. He doesn't see the wretched and sinful being I am, continually returning to my old sins like a dog returns to its vomit even after having tasted the fruits that He offers. (Proverbs 26:11-12) He sees a child who has been fully redeemed and whom He loved deeply enough to send His only Son to die for. There is the mystery of the Gospel, stated plainly. I could never earn or deserve this free gift of salvation, yet it has been paid for and granted to me before I was even capable of knowing it.
"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." [Romans 8:6-8]
He died for me because He delights in me. If that doesn't shake the foundations of everything I know, prove that He is worth my trust, and rebuke the lie that His feelings for me are neutral at best, I don't know what will.
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| "For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall." [Psalm 18:28-29] |
2. I know that, in myself, I do not possess the strength to cast off depression. A part of myself almost enjoys it because, as I mentioned before, depression is familiar but exposing myself to hope is terrifying, and vulnerable, and painful.
Again, I am prompted to turn to Scripture. Romans has a lot to say about suffering, hope, and what it all means for believers...
"Through [Christ] we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." [Romans 5:2-5]
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God...For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." [Romans 8:18-21, 24-25]
These words are an especially dear comfort to me tonight because I know my hope hinges on nothing but Jesus' blood and the completed work at the cross. My hope is not in my circumstances, in what I perceive to be true, or in how I feel. My hope is not in any human person (including myself), but in the Holy God who came in the form of a Man. And the hope that I have I can feel and live out unreservedly and unabashedly, because this hope will never put me to shame. I can hope in God, and in that hope I find my strength.
"For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?--the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze." [Psalm 18:28-34]
Romans 8 boldly declares our new identity in Christ--
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?...No, in all those things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." [Romans 8:35, 37]
Because we are more than conquerors, we can walk confidently knowing that the victory is already ours through Christ. Though this does not mean the end of all our hardship on this side of eternity, we've been equipped with armor (Ephesians 6) and we can do it all knowing that death is defeated and sin has no burden that can remain attached to us. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." [Romans 8:1] David knew this, and that is why he could write so wholeheartedly:
"You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip. I pursued my enemies and overtook them, and did not turn back till they were consumed. I thrust them through, so that they were not able to rise' they fell under my feet. For you equipped me with strength for the battle; you made those who rise against me sink under me." [Psalm 18:35-39]
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| "As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake I shall be satisfied with your likeness." [Psalm 17:15] |
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