Just How Much I Ache

 

In ways I never expected, these past few weeks have been some of the hardest in a very long time. But in these past few weeks, the LORD has revealed Himself to me in ways that I have never experienced before. Healing through pain, and joy through having my paths completely rearranged.

"The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

[psalm 16:6-11]

At the beginning of February, the LORD used closing doors to show me the healing and restorative power of walking in His will. Something I had been praying over for over a year came to a resolution, but the resolution was different than what I--in my human heart--wanted. But the most surprising thing is that I woke up that morning flooded with peace and true joy. And in moments of self-reflection after the fact, Christ gently showed me how this had been His plan all along. Healing in the brokenness. The breaking of my own built-up dreams. And through that breaking, a chance for a fresh start. I'm learning to let myself be human--to hold a messy and beating heart up to the light and surrender it to His tender hands. A heart that I want to encase, want to protect, want to stop sometimes. I was talking to a friend recently about this: "I would rather allow myself to experience real life and be hurt and messy than just exist protecting my heart in a little bubble and never feeling or experiencing real life."

To feel and to bleed can be a painful process. But to bleed knowing that, ultimately, my heart is held in the hands of the One who shaped it and knows it more intimately and fully than anyone else ever could. That is so healing.

A few weeks back, my sister began having seizures. (Check out her Instagram: @rachel_eliza_d for her perspective/testimony!) Their cause is still unknown, but they began increasing in frequency and intensity. She ended up having to withdraw from college and move out of our dorm. There is nothing that hurts me more than seeing the people I love most dearly experience pain and hardship. To see the impact it had not only on her, but my entire family. But I defer back to what I was saying earlier about experiencing messiness and bleeding knowing that you bleed in the hands of the Lover of your soul. My sister's example of faith and trust in the LORD through her world being turned upside down is a challenge to my faith and a reason for rejoicing. The lines have still fallen in pleasant places for her, for me, for my family, for those who love her well. Because He is faithful and righteous and our guiding light.

I'm learning a lot about just being held by Him. My heart, my emotions, my health, my family, my loved ones. They are all held in His hands. His way is the sweetest way--the way that instigates the most growth and healing and the way that trains our steps to run for His glory. During a day of prayer, the LORD laid Isaiah 55 on my heart. I didn't fully remember what the chapter held, but I knew that there was something in it the Father wanted me to take in. 

 6  “Seek the LORD while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

7  let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

8  For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

9  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

11  so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

12  “For you shall go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

13  Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;

and it shall make a name for the LORD,

an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

[isaiah 55:6-13]

His word will go out and bring forth good fruit. His word will serve its purpose and lead us in peace. We can sing loudly (despite pain, sickness, weariness, desperation) because He is the God of our salvation and He will continually work through us and the world around us for splendor and joy.

Another thing: the brokenness of this world is a reminder that this is not our home. Jesus, our Friend, Redeemer, the Lover of my soul--He is preparing a place for us. And the glimpses of joy and peace He gives us now are mere flashes of what awaits. He WILL return for us. And we will be brought to a place with no more sorrow, no more pain, no more broken pieces. We will see Him fully, in all His glory and power and love for us, and we will have nothing to pull us away from the thing we have been formed for. To worship and glorify Him for eternity.

Thank you Jesus for pain that reminds me of my dependency upon You, and for pain that uproots the feet I've begun to plant too deeply in the fleetingness of the earth. Thank you Jesus for the physical brokenness that will be wiped away in perfect peace on the day we step into Your permanent kingdom. I was listening to a song called "Reunion on Patmos" by Dalton Thomas that is written from the perspective of John on Patmos when he received the vision of the end times that would become the book of Revelation. The lyrics are so sharp and beautiful and full of joy and anticipation--anticipation I often allow to slip out of my fingers in exchange for the temporary distractions of the world.

More than words can say

Just how much I ache

To see my friend again

Let this be our hearts' cry! Let us ache more than words can say to see our Savior's face. Let us cry tears of joy as we think of what is to come, and the beauty and light that awaits us on the other side of the tears, the hurting, the weakness. He has shaped our paths and He is standing on the other side--already there--waiting for the day we will meet Him face to face. And not only that, but He has given us His Spirit to actively walk through life with us, and His Word to instruct us as we run the race. 

Let me run desperately, wholeheartedly, with abandon. I will fall and be bruised but let me keep my eyes fixed on the promise and on the purpose I have been given. Let me run in a way that is loud and bold and visible and challenging. Let others see the aching and longing I have to see my Christ. To see the Lover of my soul--the perfect bridegroom. The One who has bound us to Himself in covenantal love--love that cannot be tainted or broken by sin or shame or darkness. In fact, a love that washes away every ounce of sin and shame and darkness in my heart. 

I could not weep or write or speak enough of the joy and peace and mercy that He has showered me with. And the lessons He has taught me, and the healing He has brought. The whole purpose of this blog is to deconstruct the lessons He has been teaching me to share with you, but today I find myself just overwhelmed and without words to express all the emotions I'm feeling. All I can say is that He has been so good to me, the joys He gives in this life are only glimpses of the sweetness and glory to come, and we must run. We must not plant roots in this world, for those are roots that will rot and wither. We need to run, and urgently so, for the glory of the LORD. We need to be His hands and feet as we tend to His people. Jesus' heart is for the lost, and so should ours be. Let your heart bleed and beat wildly for the broken hearts He is calling unto Himself. We have hope as an anchor and God as our salvation.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

[james 1:2-4]