Turning 20, Grief, Love, and Christlike Strength

Another few whirlwind-like weeks since I've had time to sit down and write. (That's life in nursing school for you, I suppose). But just because I've been less active does not indicate, by any means, that the Lord has been any less active or faithful in my life. In fact, He has been teaching and reminding me of so much as of late...

I'm about to turn 20. It's exactly one week away. I keep joking about how I'll finally be as old as I've felt for four years--which is true to some degree, and something I actually think about a lot. Have I wasted my childhood by being hyperfocused on intellect, doing the right and mature thing, and feeling like I am developmentally ahead of my age group? That all sounds pretentious, but what I've really been wondering is whether or not my youth has been wasted because I've never gone out and partied, or lived very in the moment, or just allowed myself to be vapid and unconcerned. Anyways, that's all besides the point. What is the point?

The point is, that no matter how old I get, I'm still learning numerous new things about myself, the world, others, and the Lord. And my life has been two whole decades of the Lord's faithfulness and promises evident in my life (and, hopefully, through my life!)

20 is a number that makes you think. I think it's because you can't pull the "I'm just a dumb teenager" excuse anymore. Your actions, words, thoughts, choices--they all have consequences. People start looking at you and expecting you to have some semblance of togetherness. But another thing I realize as I get older is that, no matter how many years you live out on earth, you will never have it all figured out.

I used to look at adults through these rose-colored lenses, and a huge turning point for me was when an adult I had greatly admired and looked up to let me down. Their humanness shone through, and at the time it was almost offensive to me. I kept thinking, You're an adult! You're supposed to have it all figured out! You're not supposed to be immature and hurtful and insensitive! (Obviously, this is true to an extent. We never will have all the answers, but there is a certain level of maturity and wisdom to be expected with increased age. This specific person definitely jumped the line a few times. But it was exacerbated by the fact that I was looking at them through these lenses that expected perfection.)

I'm getting off-topic again though. The main point I'm TRYING to hone in on is the fact that what Romans 3:23 says is so true. (Surprise, lol, it's God's inerrant Word...(is it unprofessional to write "lol" in a blog post??)) ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We are a people of unfaithfulness at heart. I re-read Hosea recently, and it is such a good illustration of how wayward our hearts are. No matter how many times we are placed back on the right path by the grace of God, we get distracted in some way. Lust, anger, gossiping, greed, fear, etc. and it all goes back to the root of self. That's our problem, really. We're so focused on how everything affects and relates back to us. How will it negatively impact OUR lives? How can I be happier? What did they do that wronged ME? We are self-absorbed people. And when we start falling into distractions, idolatry happens and we replace the Savior with something else. We turn to seek strength and salvation from fleeting things! Other men, wisdom, emotion, abstract ideas, manmade economies. And that's why we needed Jesus. We needed someone to be the perfect sacrifice (to appease God's pure justice and atone for our utter sin and shame) so that we could reach the Father. It's not something we could earn, deserve, or even begin to fully fathom. But we can react in one sure way: gratefulness. And from gratefulness stems action based on love and humility. We should be so moved by the Father's wrenching heart for us (Hosea 11. Please give it a read. I cry almost every time. One of my favorite chapters of the Bible.) that we are moved to serve and love others like Christ did. And that's where I transition into my next topic...

I've been thinking a lot about grief and Christlike strength and love. They sound like three very different things, but they all tie beautifully together, really. Let's start with grief.

Grief

Grief has seemed to be such a theme in my life lately. Nearly everyone I've talked to recently, especially the people I love most dearly, is wrestling with grief in some way. And that's to be expected. Life is really hard. It's hard to deny your flesh and take up your cross. It's hard when all you want is answers, but all you seem to be getting is silence. It's hard when you want to be joyful and carefree, but physical ailments, financial instability, relationship strain, past hurt, all seem to be weighing you down. Friend, let me encourage you by saying first off, grief can be biblical and called for. (The hard part is when it moves from God-honoring grief to self-absorbed wallowing. Something I definitely struggle with.) 

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed." -Isaiah 53:3-5

Jesus was called a man of sorrows. He bore the burden and weight of all our grief and pain. He felt grief! He was crushed and stricken. Grief as an emotion is not sinful. It's what we do with it that determines it all. I've been looking through the psalms a lot--they are such a good example of how to deal with grief, anger, etc. They have taught me how to handle especially strong emotions. In his psalms, David is not shy about his emotions. He cries out to God openly, brokenly, honestly. We can do the same. It is so much more therapeutic and relieving to cry out to God and be honest with how we are feeling rather than being dishonest and trying to force yourself to just "be joyful" without even acknowledging the fact that grief is present in the first place. My pastor read a quote in church a few weeks back, and for the life of me I cannot remember the exact words or even who the quote was from, but the summary was: God's issue is not when we cry out and complain to Him, but when we do it behind His back. 

So in all of this, I have been thinking about what it looks like to honor Him in my grief. Here is what I've worked out for myself so far/what works best for me...

Every time I feel very frustrated or disheartened, or confused about something I have what I call a "car talk" with God. On Wednesday nights I go to a college group at my church. I usually get back to campus around 8:30-9, and then I like to sit in the parking lot for about 30 minutes and just talk through whatever is pricking at my heart. Sometimes it looks like me yelling at God in frustration and weariness. Sometimes it looks like a lot of really raw prayers and tears. Sometimes it looks like me being silent and just listening to worship music to remind myself of the Father's character and heart for me. Whatever it ends up being, my heart feels much lighter and more healed afterward. I have had so many sweet moments of fellowship with the Lord on those nights. He reminds me gently of His attributes and truths, or sometimes it's just the fact that He is present and He loves me.

A picture of me post-car talk.

Love and Christlike Strength

I'm putting these two together because they have often tied together for me. I was thinking about strength, and listening to a podcast (30 Minutes with the Perrys) and they were talking about how Christlike strength often looks like death to our perceptions of strength. And that's so true. Christlike strength looks humble, meek, gentle, fully giving, and never taking. The complete opposite of what the world says is strong. And it takes Christlike strength to show Christlike love. Christlike love is 1 Corinthians 13: longsuffering, rejoices with the truth, kind, not envious, it endures and bears and hopes through all things. And that branches out so much further than just in relationships between partners. It applies in relationships with friends, family members, co-workers, and especially people in your life who are really hard to love.

Christlike love is easy to preach about, but much harder to act out. (As it usually is.) It takes so much patience, prayer, intentionality, and death to your sinful human nature. It is SO so hard. Trust me, I know. I've tried and failed too many times to count this week. Thankfully, I have the perfect example of Christlike love and selflessness in Jesus and how He loves and cares for me. (It's a lot easier to want to love others well when you reflect on how undeserving you also are of selfless love.)

❖❖❖❖

I have a lot more to say, but I'm running out of words and I have an exam tomorrow morning to study for. So I'll leave it here: delve into Scripture!! It's so rich in addressing all these topics. I'm turning 20 soon and it feels exciting and sad and wistful all at once--but I'm excited to go forth into another year of the Lord teaching and growing and challenging me. :)